


Worthless Words

by KissMeUnderStarlight_12



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Dark, Diary/Journal, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Help, How Do I Tag, Hurt, I Don't Even Know, Jealousy, No Plot/Plotless, No Smut, One Shot, Original Character(s), Other, Poetic, Prose Poem, Questions, Reader-Interactive, Sad, Short, Short One Shot, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21794458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KissMeUnderStarlight_12/pseuds/KissMeUnderStarlight_12
Summary: I needed a place to dump my dark thoughts to get them out of my head. Well. Here it is!Could be considered poetic, I guess? Some times it rhymes, other times it doesn't...No one will read this...no one will care. It's fine, though, no one needs to know.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 4





	1. Jealous Eyes

This darkness is pulling me under...it makes no sense at times. I want to get out, I want to flee, but it's sticking to my bones like a deadly disease. Black ink rolls in my mind, pulling at my hope and biting at my eyes. Why can't anyone see?

I don't think them to know, I can't let them worry. Their needs and wants come before my own. Drowning in misery and clinging to rocks, I want to scream for help but can't find the reason to. They can't know, they can't know what goes on up inside my head.

Jealousy.

Possessiveness.

Territorial.

I'm fine, I'm fine, please let me be! I don't want to cry, I can't let myself cry, I have to be strong and force these thoughts from my mind! Screaming, fighting, pounding, ache! Let me go, please let me go!

My friends can't see the little things I do...they don't know I get jealous when someone else makes them happier than I can...but I won't ever try to get between...I won't try to fight for them. If someone makes you happier, I'll fade into the darkness and be a mere whisper of a memory in the corners of your mind...

"It's so nice to see you, how are you doing?" they ask with big smiles and bright eyes.

Ohh no, it's time to pull on my mask, I think, as a fake smile full of mocking warmth lights up my face, as I make sure it reaches my eyes, as my voice fills with a false happiness...to hide the burning in my chest and the black tears welling behind my eyes. "I'm fine. How are you?"


	2. Two Sides of the Same Coin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An original character ponders himself and his actions.

Two sides of the same coin.

Yin and Yang.

The wolf and the moon.

A leopard and the jungle.

Connected.

Lieb sat in his room, staring down his trembling, blood-stained hands. The blood darkened as it dried, a thin layer over his quivering skin. Cold air licked at his exposed chest. He shivered. A jagged cut was drawn above his heart. Streams of drying blood made their way down his chest. His white shirt was ruined.

In his head, he saw himself as a quivering little boy surrounded by stone walls and briars. The little boy held a bruised, bloodied, barely beating heart in his hands. The boy was fragile, a mere wisp that could be blown away by the slightest breeze. But those walls were thick and the briars sharp. Fragile and tender as he might be, nothing could get past those walls.

In his room, isolated and very much alone but not _lonely_ , Lieb couldn't help but wonder...who was the calm to his chaos? Or was he both sides to the same coin?


	3. Things to think about

-cracks knuckles-

  
Ohhh, boy...last night was long, wasn't it. Where to even start?

I'm tired of feeling worthless. Unwanted. Not needed. I'm tired of getting everyone's scraps and being the last person to come to mind. I want to be someone's first thought when they see something. Or maybe that's selfish? Is it?

I think it's because of how my grandparents treated me. My brother was always the "first born", the one who was "going to change the world", the one they thought had no faults and could do no wrong. He could lie to their faces and they would accept it! But if I tried to do that? Oh, no! I was my mother's daughter and ought to be punished for such behavior.

My brother always got the good gifts, always was treated better. My uncle never talked to me...on the rare occasion he did, it was to make fun of me or pull a prank he and my brother had come up with.

I don't understand why they could never love me like they loved him? What made me so undeserving of their attention?

I would have done anything for them. I played along with their stupid games, I followed them like a sheep follows their shepherd. I just wanted to be accepted and loved and wanted praised. Like my brother.

Am I not enough? Will I never be enough for anyone? Do I have to fight for favor like a dog fights for scraps?

Their stupid games drove a rift between my brother and I. I'm easily jealous...and it's no one's fault but my own. And why couldn't I see that sooner? Why couldn't I have just stopped? Because I wanted to be someone's favorite.

I'm tired of playing people's games. I'm tired of feeling worthless and unloved and like I have to beg for scraps, to beg for anything anyone is willing to give.

Because I am enough. I am worthy. I am.

...right?


	4. Ten steps back

Annnnd here go the jealous thoughts again. -rubs temples- I shouldn't be such a jealous person. It's no healthy. I don't know how to fight it. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, how to combat it.

I want to take a leap of faith, but I don't want to get hurt. I wish I could let go, but I can't. There's this constant nagging in the back of my mind, telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not everything, I'm nothing, I'm worthless, that there are better, prettier, nicer people out there who are better suited for the role I'm trying to fill.

And it sucks.

I hate these thoughts and I've tried to do something about them, but no matter what I do, they always come back.

"Well, you aren't trying hard enough."

Please...please, help me,someone, anyone, quiet these thoughts.

Why am I jealous?

There's the question I need to be asking. Why?

Because I'm scared I'm not enough in their eyes. I'm scared they're just saying these things. I'm scared I'm being played. For good reason, I suppose. But why?? They've has never given me reason not to trust. Is it myself I don't trust?

WHY AM I LIKE THIS. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL JEALOUS, BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO CAUSE PROBLEMS. Why, why can't I just accept what they tell me??? Why?! JUST LET ME BELIEVE, please, please, please...I just want to believe, let go, and trust. Why can't I do that??


	5. A Moment Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to bother my friends with all my dark thoughts...so I'm posting here. Anyone else out there feeling down? Don't be like me. Talk to someone. Please.

Angel sighed, sitting at her desk, wrapped in a soft cream colored cardigan. Her glazed over eyes stared blankly out the raindrop speckled window, out into the grey haze that was the outside world.

She felt...numb. Empty. Lost. Heavy in a weightless world.

Angel tapped her pencil against the top of the desk, the dull sound echoing in the chilled room. She was cold...but she didn't feel like moving. Her cold toes curled and she slowly pulled her feet up into the cushioned chair, her blank stare never once breaking.

The peace of her silent room was shattered. Downstairs, the rod iron gate to the inner courtyard banged open. Her father was back from his dreary afternoon stroll...

Hm.

...she sighed, finally blinking, pulling her gaze away from the window and down at her trembling, pale hands. Back to a boring, slow life, where her father's cheap shot jokes about her pulled down her self-esteem. Where her most precious thoughts were weighed like jewelry in a pawn shop, where her worth was bartered and pondered over, where she was made to feel worthless and cheap like everything else her family had ever acquired with their scheming hands.

She was going to do something about it...something very soon.


	6. Poem

Even as the whole world was watching, she faded away.  
She forgot how to sing,  
Forgot how to dance,  
Forgot got to see,  
Forgot how to laugh.  
Her passion was gone, her memory lost.  
She became what they wanted,  
And didn’t fight back.  
Her wishes were lost  
Into the well of hope  
And the stars had forgotten  
The promises they made.  
Childish fears turned into monsters  
And old friends became strangers.  
She forgot how to trust  
And forgot how to sing,  
Wasting away into nothing.


	7. Childhood Stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love my dog, I have to say that, I really do. But...it still hurt.

When I was younger, my dad and sometimes my brother used to make side comments about my appearance...or tease me about things. Maybe I was just too sensitive to see they were teasing, but it always hurt my feelings.

I'd get angry and cry...but it was never their fault. I was just over sensitive or couldn't take a joke. I was to toughen up, get thicker skin.

So I tried.

But it didn't work.

Instead, I just learned to hide my feelings better, to never let them see how much they got to me. And now? Now I have trust issues and insecurities about things I never should have been insecure about.

I remember one time...we were all watching a movie in the living room. The seats were all taken... Lady had taken my spot. I had ordered her to get down, wanting to sit and watch the movie. Dad had said no, that she could stay on the couch and that I could sit on the floor.

It had hurt me.

My dad. Had chosen.

A dog.

Over me.

And when I got upset? He didn't understand.

But why did I have to sit on the floor like a dog? Why?

I know my dad didn't mean anything by it...but it has stuck with me all these years.


	8. I hate this

I know that it looks like...I'm trying to get attention. Or maybe that I'm looking for pity. I'm not. I'm just tired, so tired, of having all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I don't want to be pitied. I want to be understood. Accepted. Wanted. Just as I am.

Yeah. Maybe I'm wallowing in self-pity. Maybe I'm a brat. Maybe I'm just a worthless scrap on the face of the Earth.

But I need to talk. I need to get this out. I want to cry, I want to cry so hard my eyes burn, I want to get away and rip this feeling out of my chest so I can breathe.

I know I have problems. I know I'm jealous. An over thinker. A worrier. Maybe I am attention seeking. But is that so wrong in this case? To want to be held and comforted and told what I need to hear?

Yet I do nothing to change that. Hypocrite.


	9. No Words

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of being so emotional. But I know if I force myself to stop, I'll become cold and emotionless...why is this so contradicting?

I don't want to be effected by those around me, which would require me to be cold and distant. But, I don't want to be cold and distant to my friends.

I don't want to feel like an outcast when I'm not.

I just wish I could get out of my own head. Just shut it down, stop my thinking, get out of this cage I've put myself in.

Or maybe just take my heart out and put it on a silver platter for anyone to take a stab at.

I'm stuck between wanting to be this cold hearted, distant person who isn't effected by anything...or...just laying myself out there, letting whatever is thrown at me to hit and leave it's mark on my soul.

I want to feel everything and yet nothing at the same time.

I want to feel the good, the wholesome, the love...not the bad. Anything but that.

I'm a walking contradiction.


	10. Regrets

I hate myself.

I hate everything about me.

I wish I was someone else, a completely different person with a different personality, someone people liked and could talk to and we could have long conversations throughout the night.

I hate myself.

I'm jealous. I'm allowing my emotions to take over and I can't get them back under control. I feel like I'm insane.

I don't want to be _your_ sometime, _your_ I only talk to you when I need something from you, I'm done. I'm so, so, so, so frickin done.


	11. Long Time, No See

I think I'm getting bad again.

I can feel it, creeping into the corners of my mind. I can't go back to that place, I can't be that person again.

I thought I was better, thought I had it under control, but I don't. I really, truly don't.

I stopped it before, can I stop it again?


	12. Stupid

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Each time I think we're improving, I make a mistake.

I hurt you. I hurt you and I hate myself for it. I don't know how to forgive myself. I shouldn't move on so easily. You shouldn't love me. You should run. 

God, I don't want you to, but for your own sake, leave. I don't want to hurt you again.

But I feel like a coward if I try to turn away. If I love you, I should let you go, but I'm selfish. I don't want anyone else to have you.

How can you forgive me? How? I've made so many mistakes. I hurt you. I broke my promise. You should hate me.

Maybe...you do. But you're just being nice.

Silence my thoughts, please.


End file.
